Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist