Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”