Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.