Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

We’ve all been there

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

new shirt idea

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!