Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
emergency phone
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.