murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
RT if you could go either way.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
The cycle continues
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?