Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Need this in my life lol

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.