Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

same but as an audience member

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.