“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again