Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Home is where your toilet is.

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.