[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.