Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?