Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

FINE, I WON’T.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

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