Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

The two types of wives

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

happy friday

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*