Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.