murder on the timeline
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
This will never not be funny 😭
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them