murder on the timeline
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.