murder on the timeline
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m putting together a team
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
meow
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son