murder on the timeline
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Cat is stressing him out.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.