[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I love wikipedia
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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The first one, obviously
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What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE