Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.