Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.