Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise