Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.