[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.