[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
bias laundering edition
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
feetloaf
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
