[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
