Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

just witnessed a drug deal

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Ferrari squats

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you