[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?