Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

a public service announcement

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…