Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

Always this one for me forever

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe