[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
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This is me
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.