Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]