@MatCro

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

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@SuperApple8

Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.

@FirecrackerKatt

The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.

@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

@PatsATweetin

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@just1fool

“Please. Make yourself at home.”

*Brings cat and litter box inside*

*Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*

@phalguy

[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.