Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.