“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?