“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert