“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”