Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.