Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Wednesday

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

12. I think about this all the damn time

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

unbelievably distressed by this ad

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence