Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

welcome back

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*