Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

the answer was staring at me all along

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose