Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fu9NmG2XgAUlERL.mp4

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.