Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

“Life Hacks” by Lizzie Borden is my favorite self help book.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great