murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
You Might Also Like
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
sigh
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.