murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
what
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.