[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
