[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.