Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

I lost a peanut butter m&m in my bed and now I’m afraid about where I’m gonna find it

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Leaving the Barbers like

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.