Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Venn

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”