Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Something Saturday.

Think I pulled my liver

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring