Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

I have a type: disappointing

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead