Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”