[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I needed a laugh this morning.
not to brag, but mine was free
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.