Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast