MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.