Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.