MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off