MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
When you kidnap a writer.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.