@videojames_

murderer: does that hurt

me: not really

murderer: oh thank god. im so nervous

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@3sunzzz

[Walmart]

3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!

@MissBamantha

Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”

@ImFordTough

In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.

@djdarrellripley

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@EricGoldie

Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”

@Darlainky

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

@JUSTLisandra

My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

@lecalabara

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

@eeethanford

Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about