murderer: does that hurt

me: not really

murderer: oh thank god. im so nervous

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3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!


Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”


In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.


Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…


Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news


Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”


I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.


My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.


Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.


Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about