People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm