Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

I had to Stop for this

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications