Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket