Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.