[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.