[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
me opening up to someone
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
perfect
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her