[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches