murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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Is your wife single?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I will never stop laughing at this
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant