murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.