murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If you had more money you’d be happier.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.