murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.