Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.