Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years