murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Unexpected Judgment
I am having an out of money experience.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck