murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
