murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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…u ok Nintendo?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
All generalizations are stupid.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Fries, not lies.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or