Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.