murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I laughed at this way too hard.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”