murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I had to Stop for this
Noah was an idiot.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.